A missing one…


I’m a bit late to the DP party today. It’s been one of those days. The anniversary of my dear Mum’s passing and I miss her so much.

She is my number 1 missing connection. Life was great while she was alive. I don’t mean that it was anything special other than being alive and knowing everything would be alright somehow because, well, Mums make everything okay, right?

I have no doubt that the majority of things in my life are worse since she left us. I know she wouldn’t have chosen to go, but I couldn’t have wished for her to suffer any more than she had already.

Of course I still talk to her. Sometimes I hear her answers, other times just a deafening silence. I still have occasional dreams where it hits me that I haven’t spoken to her for a while and I’m reaching for my phone to give her a call.

It’s been 12 years. I still wonder if there was more I could have done for her when she was alive, even during her illness. But I did all I could do at the time. Looking back I’m sure there must have been something I missed.

I have my son. Without him, I would feel much like I didn’t have a connection with any one person. And this is where the internet, for me, is something I treasure. I have many friends and positive interactions through social media. I have not found it to be a horrible experience, simply because I do not let other people bully me online and I will not engage in slanging matches via a keyboard (don’t like them face to face either, for the record!) so if someone upsets me with their nasty words, they are just deleted and blocked. Simple!

I wish I could say the same for other people though. The people that abuse the privilege of internet access. There are many out there. It always saddens me to see people engaging in less than moral behaviour, not just as themselves, but in disguise too. Fake accounts and profiles created to do bad things. I can’t even begin to get inside the head of someone who would do that but one thing’s for certain… They have no place in my world.

I’m aware that everyone makes mistakes and occasionally crosses the line but it’s the persistent offenders I don’t understand. Why abuse the social connection? I don’t know.

I feel no connection to where I live. This is a sad thing in many ways. I’ve been in the same house for 18 years and it’s never felt like home. The village doesn’t welcome outsiders and I’m an outsider. I was when I moved here and I still am. Part of that is my fault. When I began to realise the hostility to people not born here, I gave up trying to forge friendships and withdrew into my own space. I figured it was better to be isolated than mix with people who openly disliked me.

I do feel connections to other places though. I could never hope to afford to live in the place I feel most connection to, but it’s a lovely place to visit on holiday – even though the last time I managed that was in 2002, oddly, when my Mum was still alive. That was the last holiday we had with her, the last holiday full stop!

I am looking for a connection to the spirit world. I love my beautiful crystals and am talking to Angels. I am practising mindfulness every day to raise my personal vibration to a level that attracts the good things in life. It will be a long journey but one I am determined to make. I need to feel connected on different levels, and I am working to achieve that every day.

It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow here in the UK. My son has given me a beautiful card with some genuine sentiment written inside. By him, I hasten to add, not just the words printed in the card, but the heartfelt ones he added. I am so thankful for having such a wonderful son, I am truly privileged to have been given this unique connection. Thank you Universe.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my friends and readers who also have the privilege to be Mums.


2 thoughts on “A missing one…

  1. I just passed the 6 month anniversary of my Mom’s death. The loss of a mother leaves a big hole.
    I have kind of lost connection to the place where I live. I have had to break away from the well meaning people.

    • Hi, I’m very sorry for your loss. You’re right, Mothers leave a hole in your life that’s absolutely impossible to fill. Once home is no longer “home”, it has to be time to move on. If only it was that simple. It isn’t easy, or cost effective in most cases, to just move house but it feels like that’s what’s needed. I hope you find your place in the world again. Hugs to you.

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